Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?