My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”