I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids