Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
The funk soul brother