If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
A family that plays together cheats.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
my sentiments exactly
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear