Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
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It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Batman v Dracula
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.