No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
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date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*jingles half the way*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.