The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”