You Might Also Like
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.