[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
You Might Also Like
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it