ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that