I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.