everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
All generalizations are stupid.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.