if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
You Might Also Like
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.