Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
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*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Google Pay be like: