2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Mad Max: Furry Road
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?