PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Overindulged this afternoon.
こいつ天才
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
normalize having existential bread
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me