Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.