Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Come back with a warrant
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.