*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?