I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer