My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here