Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.