Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.