Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know