A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.