Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
You Might Also Like
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Y’all ready for this
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
next level snooze
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Facebook memories be like