Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Sex so good you see dead people.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it