I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
so much to do
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer