“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[adds another nod to the conversation]
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway