ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
12. I think about this all the damn time