I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
You Might Also Like
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Happy Caturday!
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*