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*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
When I said I liked it rough.
I’m about to risk it all
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.