If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.