I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.