[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
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I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?