“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.