Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Just why bro?!
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
whatcha thinkin bout
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.