ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.