Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I have so many questions.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
pls suprot
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family