I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
podcasts
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you know, you know
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.