You Might Also Like
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Accurate
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Overindulged this afternoon.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Don’t talk down to me
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?