Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey