I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died