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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.