No Google it does not
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
It do be feeling this way.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy