Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I cannot call her anything else now
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor