[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
You Might Also Like
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I want this so bad
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long