ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Every time my phone rings
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
just pretend nothing happened
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football