I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
the icebreaker
Sorry I made promises on Friday
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.